Waiting on some news

So today marks CD 28. I honestly cannot say when AF is supposed to show because my cycles are so irregular.. heck I just don't know! I wish I did though. God? help! lol. Anyway... So this cycle I did the clomid... I've also been complaint with my meds.. minus one day which I just honestly forgot to take my medicine.. bad bad bad!! I did clomid cd 4-8... as recommended by my doctor.. I don't exactly know when I ovulated because I tested for ovulation CD 10/11/12 in which CD 12 it was almost positive, then I tested CD 15/16. I didn't test CD 13-14 but honestly... it just didn't cross my mind.. CD 13 happened to be November 15.. which marked our 4 year anniversary and I just didn't want to ruin our special evening together testing for ovulation and well... killing the mood! haha. So in all fareness.. I have a legitimate excuse! I did have horrible side effects (in my husband's opinion) while on clomid.. I would just cry and cry like a baby it was rather ridiculous.. it came to a point where he was like.. what is wrong with you! and I said I DON'T KNOW! Help me! lol. and he would just hug me and console me.. darn hormones! darn clomid! Clomid drives me so crazy! So i'm sitting here patiently waiting.. out of nowhere my nipples started hurting.. like just the nipples.. usually after clomid and I ovulate.. I just get sore breasts.. but this time around is just my nipples and my breasts look full... I fit my bra cup wonderfully hehe. ;) Then we went to Olive Garden the other day because I told him I wanted soup and salad, at first we were gonna go to Souper Salad but the Souper Salad close to us is kinda yuck so we went to OG. Well.. I got a chicken gnocchi and ate that.. but I had like 3 plates of salad.. but mostly because I just wanted all those darn banana peppers. I think I ate like 5 of them.. and I kept wanting more I wanted to just hunt inside the salad bowl and look for them haha.. luckily the waitress we had wasn't stingy with those banana peppers.. and there were amazingly delicious!! We also made some pizza last night with pineapple which is my favorite and just randomly the pineapple smelled what I think is blood ? and yea.. I didn't eat it.. my husband is like you are wierd you always eat pizza like this.. well not this time! So the entire night that I was at work.. I was just sick to my stomach it sucked! and I am also very tired which I was telling Mark this is wierd because I know I slept alot the night before since I know I have to be up all morning on wednesdays because of school. So anyway.. those are just my random thoughts... NO I really do not think I am pregnant.. being TTC for 4 years you learn to not think any little thing that happens to you is a symptom to pregnancy.. because well.. Clomid can give you the same pregnancy-like symptoms as well which results in a lot of disappointment!! I did pray and pray to God that this be our time.. let it be.. so now.. I don't know when I should test... honestly I don't know if I even want to.. I'm such a wuss.. but I don't like testing.. I hate seeing negative!! so I think i'll just let my patience ride out and make an appointment with the doctor. If im not pregnant.. well im not.. just another month of failure.. and here's to the new year in hopes that Baby G will make its arrival for 2012. Praying for it at least..
So I guess if I am not pregnant... the doc might have us do another round of clomid... I am not sure.. I am honestly leaning more towards a IUI.. but I mean... he's the doctor, not me.. so we shall see!
Wish us luck and keep praying for us while we undergo this TTC journey!

TTC once again!!

It has been over a month since I last updated on my crazy oh so wonderful life!! Anyway, so I went to the doctor and they are pretty amazing! I love them and I really do not mind being Tricare Standard and just paying a copay but the good thing is I was able to choose my own doctor and not have to wait forever for referrals! yay me! So I go in and it turns out the doctor I had an appt with wasn't available because she herself was in the hospital for pre-term labor.. go figure right!? I was greeted and examined by a Nurse Practitioner who was quite amazing! She did all the lab work I was hoping for, did a pap which the results were normal, referred me to a close friend of hers for infertility which I didn't even ask for so I was very thankful. I had begun to forget about the infertility journey and just enjoy life with my husband I had already accepted the fact that it will be just me and him for a long while.. Well anyway, I made an appointment with the ob/gyn. I went in and gave the doctor a brief background on my infertility journey told him I was taking NO meds at this time due to not having any refills and I was just in there with a high BP because I was so nervous and I was shaky and teary eyed I was just like Jennifer! Get it together girl it's just an appointment for family planning!! He was very knowledgeable and explained what he wanted to try to do.. luckily he is not requesting any tests to be done again like the endometrial biopsy (OUCH!) and an HSG because they both had came back normal! He simply said he was going to start with a round of clomid and go from there! So I was prescribed Metformin to help with my metabolism and ie. help lose weight  from my perspective (I'm down 9lbs now!), Provera which is progesterone so I can get my cycle and Clomid to induce ovulation. I am just going to pray to GOD this round of clomid works and I can finally say I am pregnant with our little miracle. Only God and time will tell.. I pray to GOD all the couples who are TTC receive their miracle. It's been an emotional journey but now that I am in treatment again I feel like maybe we can get somewhere again and I am no longer in a dead end road. My husband isn't too thrilled that I got prescribed clomid again because 2 years ago when I did a round of it I was mega crazy lol... but he says whatever we have to do so we can get pregnant and you can carry my baby in your womb. <3 I absolutely love that I have a loving supportive husband!
Wish us luck!

Thanks for reading <3

I'm not a normal girl

So I don't know why I always tend to freak the hell out prior to a doctors visit. First of all this is the first doctors visit I have had in what?? 6 months! Ok ok so maybe is not that long ago but still... As of now.. I no longer take medications like I used to in El Paso... I have managed to keep my weight from going up which is a good thing believe me on that one.. I'm really trying to lose weight.. I've managed to not gain so lets work on actually losing the weight now.. I don't think I can count carbs.. I'm highly considering doing Weight Watchers.. It worked for me in the past... Maybe it can work again.. I just need to get dedicated to it.. which is something I lack on but I will do it because oh God I HATE the way I look.. Yes I now have really horrible self esteem issues... which was something I haven't had in a long time!!!! Oh what else.. oh one major thing.. we are no longer TTC. What for!? I cannot dwell on it... and constantly think ohh please I hope I am pregnant.. lets face it... I have PCOS. I'm obviously overweight due to PCOS and all the years of not eating as healthy as an athlete.. and come on... reality check.. my ovaries are broken!
So here's what I think my doctor is going to do... well I'm going to request!
1. Pap Smear because mine is long overdue!!
2. Lab Work... I'm talking about the works.. I want a BMP, H1AC, Lipid Panel, TSH, Hepatic Panel... etc etc.. but I know those are my main ones.
3. What the heck are they going to do about me not getting a period.. I obviously want one so I can regulate!
4. Diet Regimen.. which one can work best for me.. with everything I have..
5. Help me keep my sanity in line!
Ok... I think that's about it.. for now.. I know I freak out alot.. which is something I can cure myself.. hello!!! CALM THE FUCK DOWN MS. JENNIFER! haha. but anyway.. so I think my thyroid is caput... I'm assuming low levels.. I'm assuming high levels of bad lipids.. boo.. we'll see what happens..
Ohh.. and maybe she can give me a prescription for all my medications so I can start taking them again.. because honestly I am just so tired!!! Like before I started taking my meds.. I just want to sleep.. which is no bueno my life is passing by while my eyes are just shut and into La la land! oh and most importantly.. my inhaler!!! Because Lord knows I need it!! Damn lungs.. you guys have to fail me too. SMH

Thanks for reading! :)

TMI:: F*** you Infertility!!!

So life has been hectic.. but its LIFE right!! well anyway here's an update on my life as Jenny lu.. I had a little family encounter that got situated last week... so enough of that.. oh yea I started school which seriously the first day that I started I kept thinking to myself.. WHY?!?! Why did I decide to enroll for fall classes.. but I think about it long and hard and I know I am doing something good for myself.. that even though I am already a nurse.. is not enough. I'm an LVN. which is great and all, the pay is decent.. but here's my thing. I want more. I expect more out of myself. I believe I can do it.. idk how far I will go but as long as I get a BSN... we'll go from there! :) Which by the way.. I am now a full time employee at my job! :) I feel extremely blessed to be given the opportunity and I decided to go with graveyard shifts which consists of 10p-6a shifts and its 4 on 2 off. so I work weekends every now and then but I dont really mind it because I like being off during the week too and do things like cleaning and laundry and whatnot.
But anyway.. all this I just said above.. has nothing to do with my title.. like at all!
So I will say again... FUCK YOU INFERTILITY! YOU SUCK!!!! Ok so I haven't really been TTC. I've been like whatever about it.. not that I gave up.. I just simply stopped thinking about it and just said when it happens it will happen and that's the end of that.. Well. I haven't gotten a period since late June and then about 2 weeks ago all of a sudden I started cramping and I started to think oh gosh I'm going to start my period on my own.. and trust me... this is something to be excited for! After all.. key word :infertility: I suffer from it. I have irregular cycles. which sucks.. oh and to top it off.. I don't ovulate on my own like a normal female does and easily gets pregnant.. story of my life.. I guess some females are just blessed to pop out babies.. apparently im not. well anyway... so here I am thinking ok i'm about to start. well... no.. so it was a wed. I went to the restroom to do my business.. I wipe and i see a streak of brown.. (fyi: old blood) im like oh ok.. maybe i'm just going to spot like I did in the past and then I will start a flow by the next dayish.. well nooo... this little streak disappeared and came back again the next day at night when i wiped.. only it was brown pinkish.. like wtf? and then the next just a tiny streak of pink.. and that's it... so I'm sitting here thinking.. what the heck is going on with my body!? I have NEVER experienced something like this! so I began to google and it said unexpected "spotting" may be implantation bleeding.. and I also texted with a couple of friends and they were like omg it may be... well... anyway.. we left it at that... Well that friday... I decided in the middle of the day... what the heck do I have to lose.. all my pregnancy tests come out negatives anyway... so why not.. is not going to hurt right?! Well... I took a test.. and it was a very faint BFP. So immediately I started to be like OMG I'm pregnant?!?!. seriously!? but still.. not trying to get my hopes up... which I knew I would since this is something that has never happened to me.. not to mention you rarely get false positives its mostly false negatives that females usually get.. anyway I sent a picture of it to my friend and my mom and they were like no I see what you see.. so maybe?! Even the husband saw it.. which of course he's like omg but still he's not one to get his hopes up... well I let this test get the best of me... because a day later i take 2 tests and they are negative.. I took one this morning it was NEGATIVE. WTF!?! Do I deserve to be fooled like this? A baby is a blessing I get that but why not us. why not now? I let myself get so excited about it and just looking at this negative test today tore me to pieces.. like I feel so stupid for getting so excited and it was for nothing. So now.. I am just bummed. I wasn't even thinking about TTC anymore. I forgot what struggling through Infertility was about because I had set that aside in my mind.. and now all I can think about is how much I hate the fact that we are a couple struggling with infertility. It really tears me up inside. I feel hurt. loneliness. I want a shoulder to cry on but I don't have it. I feel I don't have anyone to talk to at the moment that I can truly trust to talk about this feelings I just have because they simply won't understand. Don't tell me you understand what I'm going through but yet you sit here with your child that you conceived no problem. Don't get me wrong I am not a hateful person if you were able to have a baby its a true blessing.. But when I really get to my all time low.. I begin to think... Maybe I'm just not meant to be blessed with a baby?? Maybe I'm just not meant to be a mother??
So with that being said.. NO I AM NOT PREGNANT. =/
Ha.. and now I'm letting my crazy inconsolable thoughts get the best of me.. yet again. I'm done crying. God please hear my prayer.

Thanks for reading.

July update :)

Let me start off by saying I finally have a JOB!!!!!!! I am beyond excited and relieved that I can finally have a source of income until Mark's income starts kicking in... which it started kicking in today... but it came in a check.. Really?!? REALLY ARMY?? Why would you send a check when you already have the direct deposit information!! lol... some things never change.
Anyways, my job... I love it! I work in a long term/rehab center. Its not so bad. I am learning alot. I orientated to get comfortable with the residents/facility and today was my first day working on my own!!! I wasn't too nervous until I was informed we were having a new admission.. then I started to stress!! OMG. lol. but I think I did ok. I really love my job as nurse!! now I'm just hoping I can get a full time position soon!
My husband did his first weekend of drill for the reserves.. it was only the first weekend and he already let me know that the reserves is NOT for him! lol. I told him well that's what you chose to do since you got out of active to finish up school.. so now he just has to suck it up! poor guy.. but sacrifices are made in some places for greater things to take place!
Its official, I start school in August. So does my honey. He's going to U of H and UHD and I am going to good ol San Jac. I have to pay for my classes unlike him! I figured I might as well enroll myself in school before I get lazy and rather work then further my education. I am already dreading the first day because I really dont want to attend.. but I have to. and I will... I really don't feel like paying for my student loans just YET!!
We finally got reimbursed for the move! It only took a long time Army! but I'm glad that they finally gave us they money they owed us and I put it all in savings! Im so happy seeing the savings go up.. I remember when we didnt even have a savings.. sometimes you just never know when there is an emergency you must always have a plan.
So Texans plays the Jets here in Houston sometime in August.. I REALLY WANNA GO!!! and no.. I'm not going for the Texans... its all about the JETS JETS JETS!!!!!! So maybe my honey will surprise me and take me?! hmm..
Above everything.. July has been a great month. We are currently waiting for a home that I will not splurge any details on yet but all I will do is pray that we can finally get a place of our home. Anything is possible if you have faith!
And NOOOO we are not pregnant yet so please stop asking! Stop asking when are we going to have a child; how come we don't have a child yet; are you scared to get pregnant/have a child! OMG.. if you only knew.. but is none of your business! Only GOD knows when he will bless us with a baby. and I believe in him! he knows we are good people! we will receive our blessing.People now a days... :sigh:
On another note, I'm late again. I really need to go see a doctor and get on some hormones or bc or something to get this period regulated. I couple days ago I had spotting. but it was only for one day.. which was extremely weird. I reallllllyyyy must go see a doc I have sooo many questions

That's all for now. Thanks for reading! =)

June is my worst

I turned 24 on the 6th. Gosh I am getting OLD. and knowing I am 24 now.. it brought back the reminder of not being a mother. That we are suffering from infertility. I had put it in the back burner and thought to try and just forget about it.. but I've been feeling sad and angry lately I have nothing else to think about but to think of all the bad stuff. To think of nothing but negativity.. which I know is not a good thing, but heck sometimes I just can't help it and don't tell me you have never done so yourself when things are just at is worst. I know others have it worse than I do and I totally get it.. but comparing to how my life was just months ago makes me feel this is my worse.. it may not be worse than others, but its my worse. But enough about infertility, I still do not have a job. We are running out of time. We are running out of cash.. and surprise (NOT) the bills are still coming. Life is so hard and unfair. It really is!
I AM PRAYING TO GOD I GET A JOB SOON!!!
Once I have a job, we can move out of my mom's and have our own home and start feeling happy again. Don't get me wrong, I am happy being with my mom again but I need my space. I need my privacy, my husband needs his privacy... and it doesn't feel amazing going into the garage every day and seeing my household goods still in boxes. When just 3 months ago they were so nicely kept in a home we had made for each other in El Paso. It wasn't the best home, but it was a place we called home. I want that back. I will get that back. baby steps and patience right??
GOD, Please hear my prayer tonight.. the same one you have heard every night since we have been back in Houston.
On top of everything.. slowly but surely we are getting used to being back in Houston. It sure does take time. 

Last two months....

Wow, So I haven't blogged in 3 months.. that's a long time considering everything that has happened in my life!! So many changes! ok.. First off, life doesn't come with a map. so SCRATCH OUT everything I said 3 months ago! Forget my husband becoming Sergeant, forget a wonderful fertility doctor I crossed paths with in El Paso, forget everything. I have no idea where to start so i'll just start off with events from April and May..

April
First and foremost, I'd like to announce that I am officially a Licensed Vocational Nurse! I passed the Nclex! :) Now.. the OB/GYN ordered lab work, he also got me started on provera to induce my period so he can check my hormones during my cycle. I had two lab orders to do, I only did one. I did a follow up with him and he told me my hormones in the beginning of my cycle are in normal range! I know we have been TTC for almost 4 years but COME ON! NORMAL?? I'm sorry, but what is NORMAL?!! So far everything seems to be normal with me EXCEPT for the fact that I have POLY CYSTIC OVARIES. Its only my ovaries that are the problem. He wanted to schedule me for surgery. He wanted to perform Laparoscopy. He said the procedure would benefit me to get rid of the cysts and then with fertility meds or a possible IUI give me a higher chance in getting pregnant. He seemed pretty hopeful but then again he is not God.
Well... my chances to have gone through all this with this amazing doctor went down the drain when my husband informed me we had less than one month to ETS. I was shocked at first, I thought everything was A-Okay and good to go on Re enlistment. Heck I was just waiting for him to tell me when the re-enlistment ceremony was going to be, when he was going to AIT for his reclass. I was just waiting for answers, not for this. He worked so hard! It seriously feels like he worked for NOTHING. Ok.. so we have less than a month for move from El Paso. Thank God for savings. I informed my mom of the moving date and she told me she was going to come over here to help me pack and clean the house and get it ready for final inspection. I really did not have time for anything April went by so fast and I wasn't ready for this huge change to happen. The week that we moved, that monday early morning I drove one car home with Butters, because I honestly did NOT want to drive that entire ride home with all our HHG with this 60lb dog! Tuesday afternoon, Mom and I got on the bus back to El Paso. We arrived wednesday early morning and we just had breakfast, and got to packing and removing all the furniture from the bedrooms. Thursday came around; that morning we had our carpets professionally cleaned. ok two rooms down. Afterwards we went to go pick up the U-haul. Drove back to the house and started loading up with the big stuff first. Well we loaded everything up and it took us ALL DAY! We even ran out of boxes.. Mark and I fought it was just a huge mess we just weren't ready for all this. but it was happening. We even ran out of room... but I want to say it was because we just got so fed up with everything we started to be unorganized and not loading up correctly. I called Danielle and asked her if she can pick up some of this stuff and hold it for me since we were coming back to El Paso after dropping off our belongings in Houston. Yes we drove back! Anyway, around 11pm-midnight we finally left the house and Danielle was nice enough to let us stay at her home since mine was already emptied. I did not have time to clean but we tried, but it just looked so dusty I knew we weren't going to pass inspection. Oh well, shit happens. The next morning, Friday April 29th... Mark and I drove back to our soon to be old home so we can final out with housing. Then we made our journey back to Texas in the super long I-10 road! Boy was that a horrible ride home! We had problems with the stupid U-haul overheating and whatnot.. but I just prayed to God and we made it back.... at least for the weekend since Mark had some unfinished business with Fort Bliss. That Saturday my family threw us a surprise welcome home party! it was awesome! I teared up lol

May
That monday, May 2nd, we made our journey back to El Paso. Mark still had to clear Fort Bliss (bunch of idiots wouldnt let him on friday they said he HAD to clear on tuesday) and we needed to pick up the rest of our stuff from Danielle's. The drive back was a DRAG... the entire time mark and I were literally just telling each other why are we going back, our home is not there anymore. we were pretty bummed about it. but its life. Tuesday we went on post, cleared Fort Bliss, turned in paperwork for travel reimbursement, said our goodbye to the gorgeous PX and had dinner with the Tulcus' for the last time. We left that night after we had a nap.. The rest of the days we're pretty boring.. we just settled into our room... got the dogs settled.. I had a scentsy party which was a success... and lots of job applications... Job hunting sucks. Did I mention depression is kicking in?? Well it is.

Change Your Thinking

Scriptures and Meditations for your Best Life Now By: Joel Osteen

The good news is that it's not a lack of resources on God's part or His unwillingness to show you His incredible favor that prevents you from prospering. All too often the problem lies within. You may have assumed that you've reached your limits in life, that you will never be more successful or do something meaningful or enjoy the good things in life that you've seen others enjoy.
Sad to say, you are exactly right... unless you are willing to change your thinking and start believing for something bigger. Interestingly, when Jesus wanted to encourage his followers to enlarge their visions, He reminded them, "You can't put the new wine into old wineskins." He was saying that you cannot have a larger life with restricted attitudes. Will you stretch your faith and vision and get rid of those old negative mind-sets that hold you back? (Don't mind if I do!) 
You don't have to be bound by the barriers of the past. Start making room in your thinking for what God has in store for you. You must conceive it in your heart and mind before you can receive it. The key is to believe, to let the seeds God is placing in your life to take root so they can grow. Expect God's favor to help you break out the ruts and rise to new heights. Expect to excel in whatever you do.
Remember: With God, all things are possible.

Another Great Week!

Hello! Ok so I can easily say I am no longer being haunted by the darn ATI test I had to do for school! Seriously 5x taking that test!?! But you know what, I don't care now! I passed it!!! about 10pts above their national mean so I have to say I did a pretty awesome job! :) I just feel like I can now breathe.. I hated the tutoring, the studying every day, taking so many practice tests but it worked so I can no longer complain but instead be blessed!
This week, I decided to join some wonderful ladies and go to Care4Coffee! I may have been forever late but better late than never. I know some really good people I would just love to be a little closer to them, but I also don't want to be too close since I know Mark and I will be moving soon and then I have to start all over for friends to wherever the Army may lead us. Its military life, I love it though, my husband loves his job and I support him 110%. I just cannot wait until he becomes Sergeant! SGT Guzman. That would be awesome, not to mention the pay would be a little nicer and he will be higher ranking than anyone in my family that was in the service! =P I'm so proud of him. Once I start working our lifestyle would be a little more sweeter and I just hope I save more money than spend it.. I mean.. I haven't worked in forever.. I may just use my first paycheck on a shopping spree for myself and my corazon.. we deserve it! <3 I just want to save like about 20-40 grand so when he finally decides to get out the military, we move where we please and buy a house and use all that money as a down payment or something.
I also went to the doctor this week. I went on monday to this new Obgyn. Let me tell you! He was UHHMAAZZINNGG!! Probably the best doctor I've met in like.. my entire life.. Obgyn that is.. haha. I absolutely just fell in love with him! lol. He was very understanding and not negative at all. Not to mention he has high hopes. I know God is the one that answers prayers, but I truly believe God put this doctor in my path for a reason! That reason being Mark and I will get our little miracle. our blessing from God. Thank you God, for leading me to him... My first time meeting this man, I had to give him some previous lab work, Mark has to hunt down his lab work from Beaumont... yea good luck on that. Doc basically said we are kinda starting from square one... but not really because alot of tests do not need repeating. Which is good because I really did NOT want to get another Endometrial biopsy (it hurts horribly) or an HSG.. (anxiety major!) so I feel a little relieved about that.. He is ordering a lot of lab work that I will be doing within the next couple of weeks. I also have an ultrasound on the 23rd of this month... to see how everything looks... Im a little nervous.. but I'd rather know now than later. so we shall see. God I know you are by my side! thank you!

Start Believing for More

Scriptures and Meditations for your Best Life Now By: Joel Osteen

We serve the God who created the universe. Never settle for a small view of God. He wants to do big things and new things in our lives. God wants us to be constantly increasing. to be rising to new heights. He wants to increase you in wisdom and help you make better decisions. He wants to increase you financially, by giving you promotions, fresh ideas, and creativity. He wants to pour out "His far and beyond favor" (Eph. 2:7)
It's time to enlarge your vision. To live your best life now, you must start looking at life through the eyes of faith, seeing yourself rising to new levels. See your business taking off. See your marriage restored. See your family prospering. You must conceive it and believe it is possible if you ever hope to experience it.
With God on your side, you cannot possibly lose. he can make a way when it looks as though there is no way. He can open doors that no man can shut. He can supernaturally turn your life around. Get rid of small-minded thinking and start thinking as God thinks. Think big. Think increase. Think abundance. Think more than enough!

Your own wrong thinking can keep you from God's best.


( I absolutely love this book. so each time I blog, I will blog a new page from the book and type a couple of sentences here and there for those that just need a little guidance. It helps me to read it as well and know God is always by my side)

Stress-free

Recap of my week: I have been attending tutoring this week for an exam that I am hoping to take next week! I hope I am ready so I can just put it behind me and move FORWARD! So I attended tutoring on monday, tuesday and thursday. It has helped. I should do more study this weekend though. I need to be 110% prepared! I no longer feel stressed about my husband and the Army! He had a PT test on wednesday, and voila, he passed! I am so PROUD of HIM! He truly is the most perfect man for me! :) Can't wait to have his children =) So in other words, my husband is going to re enlist! Yay! That's the plan, of course, but the point of it all, I am not stressed! I love it. I have also been playing Dance Central, Kinect Adventures, and Just Dance all this week, I only missed one day of it and that's because I was so sore (I pulled my leg too hard during a move) that it hurt so bad just to sit down! But I like the soreness, tells me I'm doing something right, and working out even if its on the wii/xbox just dancing and having fun is better than doing nothing! I also went walking today to the park and that felt great, so hoping to get my butt into the gym next week! This week was also the start of Lent for people who are Catholic. I am not Catholic, but my husband is and I will just support him, I didn't give up anything though... I wanted to just to have some self control. but too late now. Maybe next time I can just give up something, just because. Overall, it was a great week!

Random day

Today was an okay day. A friend I haven't seen in forever invited me out to lunch and it was great having some social interaction! I miss talking to people... I feel like lately I have just been keeping to myself.. but that's also because some people just don't think before they speak... not to mention I don't want any trouble from anyone whatsoever. I like peace... as a matter of fact.. I love it! Life has been great.... I took one of the practice ATIs yesterday and I made a 90 and that's not even studying.. which is pretty freaking awesome! I definitely need to relax and just calm down when I take these tests so I can just PASS and get it over with!
I have some good news! I have lost a total of 8lbs. That is AWESOME for me.. considering I have been having trouble with my weight practically my entire life.. Last year a doc in Washington DC told me my thyroid levels were low so I'm suffering from hypothyroidism... not to mention the dreadful PCOS that I am currently trying to kick out the door so I can conceive! I am trying to lose about 50lbs.. and if I stay DEDICATED.. I will lose them. And praying to GOD and having faith I will conceive and receive my blessing.. I believe it can happen. I used to be afraid to talk about my personal business to everyone for the fact that many people are very judgmental..  but now.. screw em! It's my life, they obviously don't know what I go through.. Take a walk in my shoes and find out, chances are you will say no thanks. alright then.. I had a great time bowling with the neighbors, its sad that they are leaving this month... one day we will cross paths again.
Also today, I decided to speak my mind.. instead of just staying quiet just so I wouldn't make people feel bad.. no not anymore, I think people deserve to know the truth! Everyone does right? Well apparently that person didn't like it.. but the truth hurts and sometimes people need a reality check. I will just pray for them and hope they can follow the right path. That's pretty much all I can say I don't think details should matter.
I'm out now!
By the way, my husband and I are EXCELLENT! I prayed to God, for us.. and communication is KEY. I believe in "this too, shall pass away" and it did. :) We can overcome anything. I love him to death and our love is stronger each and every day. He completes me. God couldn't have chosen a much better man for me. I truly did find my soul mate! :)

Lets be H-A-P-P-Y together

I realized I haven't been posting as much as I told myself I was to relieve stressors. I need to stay on top of it and express myself since it feels like I can't talk to any friends about it for the simple thought I don't like people to know what's going on in my marriage for the simple fact that they try to come into it and ruin it. What the hell is wrong with people now a days? Have they forgotten what respect is? I refuse to respect someone who doesn't respect me ba ck but even if I hated someone I will never do something so low like that. That is not me, that is not what God chose me to be.
First off, I don't get how people would want to do this to me. To try and tell me my husband is abusive towards me... Say WHAT?! Is just a rumor waiting to get started! Not to mention my husband doesn't deserve me because I am too much of a great person to be with him because of his flaws. See here's the thing. Everyone has flaws. I am not a great person.. I'm just a good person trying to make the best out of my life possible. My husband is a good person in his own way too. I'm proud of what he does, he's a US ARMY soldier, that should tell you enough to know he has a spot waiting for him in heaven when the time comes because he chose to love and protect his country. Right?
So I get to thinking.. These people are trying to make us argue and arguments can lead to much more when they can't be fixed.
So you think back... What is it that we have that these people don't have? I know! We have a great marriage, we can talk to each other and work things out we consult with each other first before we make any decisions. Last but not least, WE LOVE EACH OTHER. We always will. We knew we wanted to be together forever.
Just because these people's marriage failed, it doesn't give them a RIGHT to judge and manipulate someone else's marriage. If they were truly my friend, they wouldn't have dared to do such a thing.why would they hurt their friend? Jealousy? Envy? You should never be jealous of a friend.. That's no friend at all.
I'm also at fault but I'm only human... My mind got manipulated and its affecting my marriage as we speak. I just want to be happy... with my husband. Is that too much to ask? It just tells me one thing. I cannot hang out with these people anymore.

Thoughts that run through my head

I don't find the need to do a recap of 2010. It was a good year, I finished school, visited Washington DC and same ol same ol. I don't see a point in bringing up past issues... But instead focus on today and think about the future. My future.. I'm nervous I don't know what my future holds but I sure hope is for the better.
I finally have a doctors appointment with an obgyn. I'm expecting some good news or something among those lines.. More like some hope. I can't set my expectations from a doctor so high because I too have to do my part. We want a baby so much and we have been Tcc since 2008. I came to find out I have PCOS. We suffer from infertility. A couple weeks ago my doc said just lose some weight, try your hardest and the side effects of pcos will decrease and it will increase your chances. So my task to myself. My appointment is in two weeks. Im going to try my hardest to lose 10 lbs... Hey that's a start right? I've lost a total of 8 so far so I know I can do it. I will even put pictures on my fridge of pregnant ladies and newborn babies to motivate me.
My husband and I seem to be getting along more today. He knows now he can't blame me for everything in his life. Today he felt more at ease too because a certain someone at work gave him some hope for his career. I don't want to get ahead of myself because is not definite but ill just leave it up to God and pray this does happen. <fingers crossed>
Even though I feel like a failure for not passing this nursing ati for the 4th time, I won't allow myself to give up. I cannot give up this is my career! I need this to set a foundation for our future. We are in this together I can't expect him to work and me just sit at home and be a bum, nor do I want to! I REFUSE!
One thing that really just ticks me off... Is when someone who is married is out with other people of the opposite sex, going out on dates and doing only God knows what! Seriously?? Have some respect for yourself! If you can't respect yourself and set boundaries no one will respect you.. And trust me, that's no way to even start a new relationship with someone.. Let alone when you are still tied to someone else. Is just not right. But hey this is just my opinion. Some people will just never learn.
Lastly, I dont know what the hell is wrong with my dog Butters but he is driving me INSANE! He just sits there and cries.. seriously you are not a puppy anymore. I just need to vent this out because if I dont I might just kill him... ok not really I'm just tired of his whining!
So for today:
Play with fire, you're gonna get burned.
Bunch of grenades!

A little bit about me...

Hello there! Well this isn't my first time blogging. I used to use xanga back until 2008 that I just stopped.. Basically when I moved away from my hometown, Houston, Tx. I live in El Paso, Tx now. My husband is in the US Army and he is stationed here. We have been married for 3 years now. Our military journey will soon come to a close this year... in a matter of weeks to be exact.. can you say stressful? I recently graduated nursing school, but my education doesn't stop there.. so for now, I will just relax to not have to be up in the early AM and study 24/7. We currently have no kids and we would love to one day be blessed. Infertility is a stressful ride! We have two furbabies who drive me nuts at times but I love them to death, german shepherd mix, Butters (Bubba) and chihuahua, Lala. They have helped deal with stress when there's no one else around.
Let me sum up my life... hmm.
My life is an EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER... nuff said!
'til hands and laptop meet again..