TMI:: F*** you Infertility!!!

So life has been hectic.. but its LIFE right!! well anyway here's an update on my life as Jenny lu.. I had a little family encounter that got situated last week... so enough of that.. oh yea I started school which seriously the first day that I started I kept thinking to myself.. WHY?!?! Why did I decide to enroll for fall classes.. but I think about it long and hard and I know I am doing something good for myself.. that even though I am already a nurse.. is not enough. I'm an LVN. which is great and all, the pay is decent.. but here's my thing. I want more. I expect more out of myself. I believe I can do it.. idk how far I will go but as long as I get a BSN... we'll go from there! :) Which by the way.. I am now a full time employee at my job! :) I feel extremely blessed to be given the opportunity and I decided to go with graveyard shifts which consists of 10p-6a shifts and its 4 on 2 off. so I work weekends every now and then but I dont really mind it because I like being off during the week too and do things like cleaning and laundry and whatnot.
But anyway.. all this I just said above.. has nothing to do with my title.. like at all!
So I will say again... FUCK YOU INFERTILITY! YOU SUCK!!!! Ok so I haven't really been TTC. I've been like whatever about it.. not that I gave up.. I just simply stopped thinking about it and just said when it happens it will happen and that's the end of that.. Well. I haven't gotten a period since late June and then about 2 weeks ago all of a sudden I started cramping and I started to think oh gosh I'm going to start my period on my own.. and trust me... this is something to be excited for! After all.. key word :infertility: I suffer from it. I have irregular cycles. which sucks.. oh and to top it off.. I don't ovulate on my own like a normal female does and easily gets pregnant.. story of my life.. I guess some females are just blessed to pop out babies.. apparently im not. well anyway... so here I am thinking ok i'm about to start. well... no.. so it was a wed. I went to the restroom to do my business.. I wipe and i see a streak of brown.. (fyi: old blood) im like oh ok.. maybe i'm just going to spot like I did in the past and then I will start a flow by the next dayish.. well nooo... this little streak disappeared and came back again the next day at night when i wiped.. only it was brown pinkish.. like wtf? and then the next just a tiny streak of pink.. and that's it... so I'm sitting here thinking.. what the heck is going on with my body!? I have NEVER experienced something like this! so I began to google and it said unexpected "spotting" may be implantation bleeding.. and I also texted with a couple of friends and they were like omg it may be... well... anyway.. we left it at that... Well that friday... I decided in the middle of the day... what the heck do I have to lose.. all my pregnancy tests come out negatives anyway... so why not.. is not going to hurt right?! Well... I took a test.. and it was a very faint BFP. So immediately I started to be like OMG I'm pregnant?!?!. seriously!? but still.. not trying to get my hopes up... which I knew I would since this is something that has never happened to me.. not to mention you rarely get false positives its mostly false negatives that females usually get.. anyway I sent a picture of it to my friend and my mom and they were like no I see what you see.. so maybe?! Even the husband saw it.. which of course he's like omg but still he's not one to get his hopes up... well I let this test get the best of me... because a day later i take 2 tests and they are negative.. I took one this morning it was NEGATIVE. WTF!?! Do I deserve to be fooled like this? A baby is a blessing I get that but why not us. why not now? I let myself get so excited about it and just looking at this negative test today tore me to pieces.. like I feel so stupid for getting so excited and it was for nothing. So now.. I am just bummed. I wasn't even thinking about TTC anymore. I forgot what struggling through Infertility was about because I had set that aside in my mind.. and now all I can think about is how much I hate the fact that we are a couple struggling with infertility. It really tears me up inside. I feel hurt. loneliness. I want a shoulder to cry on but I don't have it. I feel I don't have anyone to talk to at the moment that I can truly trust to talk about this feelings I just have because they simply won't understand. Don't tell me you understand what I'm going through but yet you sit here with your child that you conceived no problem. Don't get me wrong I am not a hateful person if you were able to have a baby its a true blessing.. But when I really get to my all time low.. I begin to think... Maybe I'm just not meant to be blessed with a baby?? Maybe I'm just not meant to be a mother??
So with that being said.. NO I AM NOT PREGNANT. =/
Ha.. and now I'm letting my crazy inconsolable thoughts get the best of me.. yet again. I'm done crying. God please hear my prayer.

Thanks for reading.