Life is Amazing...

Well it's been a long time... Very long time actually since I have blogged and with all my anger issues lately I seriously feel blogging again will definitely benefit me..
Life for me... Has changed... Drastically...
Mentally and physically!

Current shows I'm addicted to:
90210
Chicago Fire
Grey's Anatomy
Scandal
The Walking Dead
Teen Mom
Arrow
Switched at Birth
Pretty Little Liars
Revolution
The Lying Game
The Vampire Diaries
Beauty and the Beast
Revenge
Red Widow
Once Upon a Time
Army Wives
The Client List
Secret Life of the American Teenager
True Blood
Game of Thrones
Those are at the top of my head..

Just looking at my list I sit here and think how on earth do I make time to watch all these but I make time for them because I am hooked!!!

Like I stated... My life has changed... What I put into my body is not what I was eating before...
I no longer eat or drink:
Sodas
Sugary juices
Whole, 2%, 1%, skim milk
Sugar cereals
Enriched pasta
Enriched bread
Fast food meals
And probably much more but this is all I can think of at the moment..

With this diet change and the supervision from my doctor and nutritionist who are by far AWESOME I have lost a significant amount of weight and there is no stopping there..

I am still in school... In fact this semester I am taking a nutrition course online and a gym course as well as a&p which omg I didn't expect to be so hard!! I've taken a smaller version of the curse when I went to nursing school but this one is more in depth and it makes me nervous I need to make a good enough grade to be picked up by one of these colleges for their RN program... Much prayers needed!!

Also... I still work in the same place... I'm looking for some more flexibility but at times I feel I won't find any but I trust in God..

I'll write more later on.

March. 2012

So I deleted my ridiculous crazy post I wrote the other day because I wrote it out of anger and looking back at it.. I didn't intend to read it again but I knew it was inappropriate and I didn't want to leave it out in the open for everyone who hasn't read it.. to read it.
Anyways.. life is good. Is as good as its gonna get. I am content with my job and this next paycheck will have about 16-20 hrs of overtime which is awesome so I'm going to go buy me a new phone today.. the one I have is ridiculous and a POS. It only works when it feels like it. ugh.
I am currently addicted to Game of Thrones on HBO. Its a nerd thing. Its pretty awesome.
As of now.. I feel.. Happy. Mother nature hasn't made its arrival since January and I don't know when she plans to but I'm hoping I can go see a new doctor soon because I need one that is going to understand the situation and not just be like.. "oh you are young you just need some clomid to give you a boost and there you go.." um no.. You have been knowing about my diagnosis/situation for 5 minutes i've known for YEARS. But honestly.. Is something that is in the back of mind.. but not something i've been thinking about constantly.
Oh and adoption.. So out of the question.. for one.. its VERY EXPENSIVE. Not to mention you may have to give the birth mother financial help because of her situation.. Not to be mean.. but I'm already wanting to adopt your child why would I help you financially... but anyways.. Its very expensive.. Its money I can use for seriously about 5-10 IVFs depending what the price range is. So no. not for us. Maybe when I'm rich but right now I am not!
Oh and here's to being 5000$ less debt free. I seriously need to stop shopping.

Just cause..

So my mom had her surgery as scheduled and I didn't get to see her for almost 5 hours! and her surgery only took about 2! OMG I think I drove the receptionist mad because I was like.. have you heard anything about my mom I haven't heard anything in 5 hours and I just want to know where she is in this hospital! Well she was in the pacu, they had just took her out of the anesthesia and apparently my mom is a fighter with anesthesia because she was fighting with the nurse haha. But she's doing ok and she was in so much pain so I called Jackie, the Orthopedic Surgeon's nurse (they are both amazing) and told her she's in pain and they kept her overnight with a PCA pump so she can get morphine every hour/every time she pushed the button. It did make her feel better which is a good thing! I was able to pick her up the next day and take her home before work and she has been home since and she has pain.. but a different kind of pain, just like I had told her it was gonna be since her food would no longer be broken, but in place.. now comes the healing time! I took her to her follow up appointment this past wednesday and they took out her cast and whoa! she has 30 stitches in 3 sides of her foot! but they look beautiful! no infection.. it would be a nurse to say that stitches look beautiful!
Anyway... this month has been great. My marriage has gotten stronger and we have been showing each other love like when we first got together. I did tell Mark we needed to focus on each other but it was really me that was just being an ass and not wanting to spend any time with him and ignoring him and always picking a fight.. I was very mean and I talked to my mom about it and she was telling me that it was indeed wrong of me to treat him that way and I'm glad I slapped myself back to reality.. is like hey Jen, you have a great husband.. who doesn't turn his head not even once to look at another woman, has stuck with you and will continue to stick with you during the whole infertility ordeal, who treats you right! what more do you want!?! Exactly.. what more do I want is what I asked myself.. Answer is: nothing, I have everything I can ask for already.. I want a baby and have a family with him... but well.. with time. right?!

OMG is cold in here!

So the point of my title is that I have a cold heart.. or I feel like I am a bitter person... geez, I was NEVER like that! So that is no bueno.... Don't get me wrong... I am ecstatic for friends that find out they just became pregnant... especially those that have been trying for a while and the stick finally turned positive... BUT what hurts me.... is like really? You HAVE to send me a pic of your pregnancy test?? I really don't want to see it.. I mean come on.. don't be so insensitive.. there are other ways to tell someone you are preggers... I don't mind it but personally.. at the time of my life I am in right now I really don't want to see it.. I had already told myself and Mark that we were no longer going to try.. that I was just too heartbroken.. THEN, my period decides to make an appearance... and I find 30 tablets of Clomid stashed in my pharmacy drawer... and Mark happens to see them and its like baby why don't we just try again?! I know he is VERY excited to try but I also know it hurts him so much when we don't get pregnant.. MONTH AFTER MONTH. Its been 4 1/2 YEARS since we have been TTC. Not many people know what we feel and are going through. So we may try this cycle, I don't know yet. I do know that we are looking into adoption agencies now and looking for a beautiful baby in hopes of God blessing us as parents  for our angel. :)
I am so blogging here at St. Lukes Episcopal Hospital while we wait for my mother to have her surgery to repair her foot. I still cannot believe she broke her foot in 3 places!! Poor thing is in so much pain and she is scheduled for her surgery at 9:15AM. Lots of prayers being sent her way!
XOXO

Happy New Year 2012!!

So today is January 1st, 2012!! I feel blessed to have gone through another year of life. I didn't blog at all last month so Im thinking I need to do a little recap
December 2011- Our job switched to 12 hour shifts so now I only work mon/tues/fri and get every weekend off which honestly? Its freaking awesome! I love it minus the whole 8 hour paycut but hey, we manage. In November I had did a round of clomid in hopes we would receive our little miracle.. well I went to the doctor and got a blood test and well surprise surprise, im not pregnant. oh gee, bummer.. Its more like a joke for me now.. At this point I don't believe I will ever get pregnant and I started to feel that MAYBE I am just not meant to be a mother.. and at some point in this time.. I started to accept the reality of it. Also my doctor said he doesnt want to see me until I get my cycle.. like really?? Thank goodness for provera but at this point.. I don't want to try anymore. I deserve to be happy. I was off on Christmas so we celebrated with family and went to my aunts house and played the white elephant which if anyone who does not know my family would think we are all a bunch of alcoholics! We had a $20 gift limit and most of us wrapped up liquor bottles. Above all, it was pretty fun! Then, me, hubby and mom, Esther and mark's grandma came to my house and we opened up our presents and we all received amazing gifts. Mark bought me a beautiful coach purse and wristlet BUT the coach purse he had bought me wasn't the one that was wrapped and tucked under our tree, it turns out they gift wrapped the wrong purse so we went the next day to go and get the correct one and boy he has great taste it was one I really loved and wanted! So then lets go to December 27th, my mom took a wrong step on her porch so she wouldn't step on the cat and she fell and broke her foot! I was asleep and dreaming so when my phone was ringing I did not hear a thing. Mark's phone then rang and I heard it because he has this annoying song playing he told me it was my mom and I mumbled to him to tell her im sleeping. He hangs up and casually tells me it was my aunt and she said your mom broke her foot. I simply told him ok and then within a couple seconds I was like WHAT? What do you mean my mom broke her foot!?! Boy was I awake then! So I start calling my mom, my aunt drove her to St. Lukes. They didn't want me to go but she is my MOM so I went and it turns out my mom broke her foot in two places and will need surgery. They put her in a splint gave her a shot of morphine and sent her on her way. Poor thing I feel so bad for her. The next day I called the Orthopaedic surgeon and made an appointment for thursday at 230 they said. We go and the surgeon does another xray and he said its broken in 3 places not two! They put my mommy in a boot that cost $335 and she will have surgery on the 5th of January. Thankfully I am off that day so I can be there with her and the next day hopefully one of my aunts or someone can be there for her because I will be at work. =/ Someone has to work. But her incident made me open my eyes that I really need to get a great insurance from work or something incase that ever happens to me because she will be receiving disability.. if that was me.. I don't think I'd be able to get disability.
Which comes to how we spent New Years Eve, we spent it with my mom, just mom, marks grandma, mark and Esther. Mark was asleep when midnight hit and I woke up 2 min. before and was in the restroom peeing when midnight hit.. New Years just wasn't the same as the years before but hey sometimes there isn't much to do.. I didn't really want to celebrate it big with my mom in pain but I did want to just spend the night with her.
So for New Years.. I have many resolutions in mind. I rather not discuss them because once I do, I won't go through with any of them so I'd rather just keep them to myself.
Only thing.. for the new year.. We are no longer trying to conceive. We are going to enjoy life. Work on our marriage. Work on us. Travel. And above everything.. just try and be happy.. It just isn't meant to be.. and im ok with that.. up until people talk about it. Which seriously? I don't want to talk about it!

XOXO

Waiting on some news

So today marks CD 28. I honestly cannot say when AF is supposed to show because my cycles are so irregular.. heck I just don't know! I wish I did though. God? help! lol. Anyway... So this cycle I did the clomid... I've also been complaint with my meds.. minus one day which I just honestly forgot to take my medicine.. bad bad bad!! I did clomid cd 4-8... as recommended by my doctor.. I don't exactly know when I ovulated because I tested for ovulation CD 10/11/12 in which CD 12 it was almost positive, then I tested CD 15/16. I didn't test CD 13-14 but honestly... it just didn't cross my mind.. CD 13 happened to be November 15.. which marked our 4 year anniversary and I just didn't want to ruin our special evening together testing for ovulation and well... killing the mood! haha. So in all fareness.. I have a legitimate excuse! I did have horrible side effects (in my husband's opinion) while on clomid.. I would just cry and cry like a baby it was rather ridiculous.. it came to a point where he was like.. what is wrong with you! and I said I DON'T KNOW! Help me! lol. and he would just hug me and console me.. darn hormones! darn clomid! Clomid drives me so crazy! So i'm sitting here patiently waiting.. out of nowhere my nipples started hurting.. like just the nipples.. usually after clomid and I ovulate.. I just get sore breasts.. but this time around is just my nipples and my breasts look full... I fit my bra cup wonderfully hehe. ;) Then we went to Olive Garden the other day because I told him I wanted soup and salad, at first we were gonna go to Souper Salad but the Souper Salad close to us is kinda yuck so we went to OG. Well.. I got a chicken gnocchi and ate that.. but I had like 3 plates of salad.. but mostly because I just wanted all those darn banana peppers. I think I ate like 5 of them.. and I kept wanting more I wanted to just hunt inside the salad bowl and look for them haha.. luckily the waitress we had wasn't stingy with those banana peppers.. and there were amazingly delicious!! We also made some pizza last night with pineapple which is my favorite and just randomly the pineapple smelled what I think is blood ? and yea.. I didn't eat it.. my husband is like you are wierd you always eat pizza like this.. well not this time! So the entire night that I was at work.. I was just sick to my stomach it sucked! and I am also very tired which I was telling Mark this is wierd because I know I slept alot the night before since I know I have to be up all morning on wednesdays because of school. So anyway.. those are just my random thoughts... NO I really do not think I am pregnant.. being TTC for 4 years you learn to not think any little thing that happens to you is a symptom to pregnancy.. because well.. Clomid can give you the same pregnancy-like symptoms as well which results in a lot of disappointment!! I did pray and pray to God that this be our time.. let it be.. so now.. I don't know when I should test... honestly I don't know if I even want to.. I'm such a wuss.. but I don't like testing.. I hate seeing negative!! so I think i'll just let my patience ride out and make an appointment with the doctor. If im not pregnant.. well im not.. just another month of failure.. and here's to the new year in hopes that Baby G will make its arrival for 2012. Praying for it at least..
So I guess if I am not pregnant... the doc might have us do another round of clomid... I am not sure.. I am honestly leaning more towards a IUI.. but I mean... he's the doctor, not me.. so we shall see!
Wish us luck and keep praying for us while we undergo this TTC journey!

TTC once again!!

It has been over a month since I last updated on my crazy oh so wonderful life!! Anyway, so I went to the doctor and they are pretty amazing! I love them and I really do not mind being Tricare Standard and just paying a copay but the good thing is I was able to choose my own doctor and not have to wait forever for referrals! yay me! So I go in and it turns out the doctor I had an appt with wasn't available because she herself was in the hospital for pre-term labor.. go figure right!? I was greeted and examined by a Nurse Practitioner who was quite amazing! She did all the lab work I was hoping for, did a pap which the results were normal, referred me to a close friend of hers for infertility which I didn't even ask for so I was very thankful. I had begun to forget about the infertility journey and just enjoy life with my husband I had already accepted the fact that it will be just me and him for a long while.. Well anyway, I made an appointment with the ob/gyn. I went in and gave the doctor a brief background on my infertility journey told him I was taking NO meds at this time due to not having any refills and I was just in there with a high BP because I was so nervous and I was shaky and teary eyed I was just like Jennifer! Get it together girl it's just an appointment for family planning!! He was very knowledgeable and explained what he wanted to try to do.. luckily he is not requesting any tests to be done again like the endometrial biopsy (OUCH!) and an HSG because they both had came back normal! He simply said he was going to start with a round of clomid and go from there! So I was prescribed Metformin to help with my metabolism and ie. help lose weight  from my perspective (I'm down 9lbs now!), Provera which is progesterone so I can get my cycle and Clomid to induce ovulation. I am just going to pray to GOD this round of clomid works and I can finally say I am pregnant with our little miracle. Only God and time will tell.. I pray to GOD all the couples who are TTC receive their miracle. It's been an emotional journey but now that I am in treatment again I feel like maybe we can get somewhere again and I am no longer in a dead end road. My husband isn't too thrilled that I got prescribed clomid again because 2 years ago when I did a round of it I was mega crazy lol... but he says whatever we have to do so we can get pregnant and you can carry my baby in your womb. <3 I absolutely love that I have a loving supportive husband!
Wish us luck!

Thanks for reading <3